mommy = belated update

Part (or most) of the reason why I can't seem to consistently write this blog, I have discovered, is what we like to call "being a mom". If Adia even catches me making my way to the computer, she pulls out her most guilt-inducing voice, gives me a half-frown with sad eyes and says "your not getting on the 'puter now?" And of course I'm not. I don't know why I would even entertain the idea...

But, I have found a way to sneak on at work, so here is my latest update:

Went to the OB on Tuesday (yes I actually made and went to my appointment) where I was officially told we are dealing with infertility. Not a big shocker but it dig sting a bit to hear. I also found out that with our new insurance my wonderful OB, who I have had since I was PG with Adia, is no longer in our network. I almost cried when they told me. But she was great and wrote down the next steps we need to take and gave me a rec. for a new OB.

So, Jason and I are talking things over to see how we want to go from here. Me being me, I want to try the more natural options first, so I'm looking into it. Jason is open to things he may need to do but I don't think is 100% convinced that we need to go down that road yet. So, we shall see.

The 1st step -

admitting there's a problem.

I am calling my OB tomorrow. I have finally decided it is time for a little look-see from someone who has a bit more knowledge on this stuff than I do. And for some reason I am so freaking nervous about the call! I know it's completely ridiculous but none-the-less, I am freaked. I know because I told myself I would call today, and, well, here we are tonight. So I figured if I wrote it down, I would HAVE to do it. I think it's almost more of feeling like a failure than a nervousness. I really must be more prideful than I think because even the thought of admitting I need help procreating really does not set well with me. Though I know that I know that I know that I know there is absolutely no reason to feel that way, I still do. But whatever, I'm doing it. tomorrow. definitely.

well, hello again

There is nothing new to post. Which is why I haven't in so long. Yet I do have insurance now (as of yesterday!) so I think I will be making an appearance at my OB's office very soon and begin the dreaded process of figuring out why jason and I can't make another baby. I am also looking into acupuncture because as those of you who know me, if I can find a more natural way to do things, I will.
I do have to say I am truly shocked that I am still not pregnant. When I went through my m/c last year, I never in a gazillion years would have thought I wouldn't be ku again by now. After all, it really wasn't too difficult for it to happen after my first m/c, so why would this be any different?
Well, I can't dwell on it now. I am still truly blessed. My amazing 3-year-old is sitting at my feet, singing Sunday school songs, and occasionally pausing to tell me she loves me, reminding me how good God is.

still trucking (with a bad attitude)

In case anyone is still reading this, I am not pregnant. No, I'm really not trying to hide anything or keep it a secret for a while. Wish I was, but no. Maybe this next time. But honestly, I have such a pessimistic outlook on it right now, I can't see me ever getting pregnant again. I know that is drastic and unlikely, but it is truly how I feel. I am slowly becoming bitter towards mom's with more than one child. I see them and automatically think mean thoughts about them just because they have been able to birth more than one kid. Totally ridiculous. And taking a break won't work. I still wonder and think about it all too much. So I am pretty much stuck here until I am knocked up. yay.

I'm tired and have no clever idea for a bowel related title

In my search for different methods to help along the getting knocked-up process, I have started using a hormone cream. I used one very similar before Adia and it obviously helped. So, I started this three days ago and so far there haven't been any side effects with my body adjusting. Until now. It is exactly 2:43 a.m. as i write this and I have not been asleep yet because my IBS has decided to show up in ways I haven't experienced in years. Pretty sure it's related to the cream.
Not the best topic, but I haven't posted in a while and since I'm up with not much to do (besides run to the bathroom) I thought, "what the the hell".

more grumbles

I swear, every cycle AF seems to get worse. Between the cramps, the pissy mood and the never ending war zone "down there", I am thisclose to running down the road to the gas station and buying their finest bottle of Boones Farm. And I'm at work.
Oh, and speaking of work, today is my last day. Hopefully (or not?) I will have another job very soon. I'm probably going to be a golf pro shop girl again, like I was about 9 years ago. It will be a cake job, but pays like crap (but the discounts for Jason will be good).

I think I need a Good Friday service to get me focused.

I set myself up

and I'm disappointed. No new tax breaks for 2009.

*side note

First off, this isn't coming from anywhere but my own conscience. No one, on here or IRL (in real life), has yelled at me, told me I was an idiot or threw a shoe at me. Like I said, it's just something I feel the need to post. And here it is:

My getting and staying PG issues are VERY small compared to many other women out there. I feel like I whine a lot about what I'm going through, and in all reality, it is by nowhere near as hard and heart-breaking as it could be. I guess my bitching about "how long" it's taking is finally hitting a nerve with me and I need to get that out there. I am being a big baby and I am so sorry to those out there who have serious infertility issues and those who have lost their sweet babies much further along than me. Those ladies are truly strong and deserve much more appreciation and compassion than I am sure they get.

And yes, it's not horrible for me to be upset with what I have been through, but I think I have lost perspective along the way, so I'm trying to gain it back.

the wait

I am about 5-6 dpo today! I am so excited that I actually O'd this time, I've just now starting thinking about when I'm going to test. Which, I think will be next Tuesday (somewhere around 12 dpo). So now that I have officially acknowledged the 2ww, it will drag on, and eventually stress me out to the point that I will probably end up crying somewhere around Monday. I'll let you know...

Guess I am

a douche, that is. Because folks, it looks like I O'd!!! Sweetness, I am pumped! And, we had good timing too, so I really think I have a BIG shot this month! But, let's not get too excited just in case - the let down is much worse then. So, I only have to wait about 10 more days before I can pee on a stick. Yay.

Worries

Still no O. And now I'm beginning to worry. The last time I fully charted, it seemed to be an annovulatory cycle (I didn't ovulate) and this one is starting to show signs of it as well. I know I may be getting paranoid too soon, but it's what I'm good at. So if it is true that I am not ovulating anymore (at least not very often) I have no idea what I will do! We cannot afford any kind of fertility treatments right now! I guess I will look into natural cures (since I prefer to go that route in all other areas of my life anyway). So just in case, does anyone out there know of any?

Now that I wrote that, I am probably Oing today and will look like a big douche. Or at least I hope so!

6 years!

Our anniversary is today - 6 years! And can I tell you I am worn out?! ;-) I'm still not sure if I've O'd yet, so we still have more to come, but we definitely started out with a bang. So, we shall see...

Charting slacker

I have never sucked this bad at charting. I'm on CD 14 and only taken 3 temps. 2 of which are pretty useless due to lack of sleep and/or waking up late. I've been pretty good with CM, so hopefully I'll still be able to figure out O time. Which I am still thinking will be this weekend. But good news is that Jason may not be leaving Monday, so we have a little more time. Oh, and I picked up a little something from here for tomorrow!

Gearing up

OK, for any and everyone that is reading this, please pray that I O this weekend, preferably Sunday. Jason gets home Friday night and my plan is to have him almost to the point of hating sex by the time he leaves Sunday night/Monday morning (yes, I'm sure it's more than you want to know, but that's just how I roll) . Bonus is that our anniversary is Sunday, so we have Saturday night all to ourselves: A is spending the night with my parents!

And on a less TMI note, my cousin and his wife are having a boy. So we can all let out a huge sigh of relief, because there was a good chance if it was a girl, he would have sent her back.

back at it

I took my first temp since probably December this morning. And of course, I managed to screw it up on the first day. When my alarm went off, I forgot I was temping since it's been so long, so I just laid there like I usually do when I don't want to get up. Then, after about 5 minutes, I remembered I was temping again, so I took it. And it was a little high, I think. Of course I was also awake at 4:30 when Jason left, so I didn't get the allotted "3 hour" time span either. Oh well, hopefully I'll do better tomorrow. And please pray that I O this weekend, 'cause if not, it's a definite no go since Jason is OOT again during the week.

birthdays, moon pie and techno

Oh, but I forgot to add the good part:

At the end of our lunch, Natahle and I are just sitting there, when all of a sudden the restaurant speakers come on and this obnoxious techno music starts blaring over the radio. And then I realize what the song is: Happy Birthday. Natahle and I just stare at each other, laughing while both of our faces turn red because this kind of stuff embarrasses us. The entire staff comes over to the table (the techno Happy Birthday is still playing), one is carrying a small plate with a moon a pie and a candle, and another has a tiny digital camera on a tripod (seriously). Nat and I are just speechless as all this is happening. Adia blows out the candle for me, and then they take my picture. It. was. awesome.

Oh, and I now have my own set of fancy chopsticks that I get to use every time I eat there. Hands down the best birthday celebration at a restaurant.

Yep, she's it.

So, yesterday was the big day. 30 came and went with little fanfare, and that was nice. Although, my party isn't until tomorrow night, so that's when I really get to deal with how old I am...

Anyway, Natahle took me to a great sushi lunch yesterday at Wasabi's. It was delicious! Our server was a sweetie, but a bit naive. And here is my reasoning for this:
Natahle mentioned it was my birthday and the fact that I was 30 got thrown in there somehow. Adia was with us, being adorable and ornery as usual. First, our server won points for being shocked that I was 30, because she said I didn't look it at all. But, she then lost all points when she got this amazed look on her face, pointed to Adia and said "You're 30 and she's your only child?" She said it with such innocence, that I knew she wasn't trying to be rude or hurtful, so I just smiled and said yes. But inside, for a few seconds at least, I wanted to cry.

And that's it. It's not the turning 30 that is hard for me. It's what I wrote before about turning 30 and not being PG. And it was especially hard since AF showed a few days prior. But it isn't easy telling this to people. One, it makes me more vulnerable than I am comfortable with (even though I try to be open about it) and two, many people don't want to hear it because, really, what do you say to that?

Why would I expect something different?

I knew I shouldn't have even acknowledged the nausea the other day. Just bringing it up was going to jinx me. 'Cause it looks like I'm heading to my 30th birthday not pregnant. And, the end of February marked 6 months since my m/c, so I may be a bit bitter at the moment. Though I'm not sure why I've even been wondering if I'm KU at all, since this was a break month. (Oh yeah, it was probably because I was hoping that we would get surprised by a BFP this month, since I should have been more relaxed from all the not-trying :::rolls eyes:::)

So, I'm thinking the break is over. I'm pulling out all the stops this time. Although I'm not too sure what that means...

Rationalizing irrational thoughts.

I am nauseated, therefore I must be KU. Even though we weren't trying, and even though I took an insane amount of vitamins and supplements this morning, a few on an empty stomach, and even though I seem to feel this way every month, I am sure it's real this time. Yep, positive.

turning 30

I am going to be 30 very, very soon. I'm not so concerned with turning 30 as I am with only having 1 child and not being KU again turning 30. And since we want at least 3, if not 4 kids, I'm getting a bit anxious. I know I'm just being silly and 30really isn't old for even starting a family anymore. I guess it's just that I always *thought* I would have or be close to having at least 2 kids by now. Damn my expectations!

Please, just don't talk

I love my aunt. She is letting us use her car again this week so Jason can go work OOT. However, tact is not something she has a lot of. She knows we had a m/c back in August and I'm sure she knows we are struggling somewhat in getting KU again, as she is my mom's sister and the only one who lives around here. So, with that background, here is the convo I had with her yesterday in Wal-Mart:

Aunt: You guys want to have another baby?
Me: (thinking, are you effing serious?) Yep
Aunt: You know, gaining wait will help with that. It helped me. (I disregard all advice from people who haven't had experience with this in 25+ years)
Me: (trying not to show how pissed I'm getting) That's not going to help. And anyway, I have gained some weight.
Aunt: Really? You probably haven't gained enough
Me: That's not going to help. (i just kept repeating myself like a robot because I was so annoyed with her, nothing else would enter my brain)

And really, weight doesn't make as big a difference as people think. Yes, if you are very under or over weight, it could possibly help - being healthy is always a good thing. But it's not going to help my situation (even though I have gained a bit because I was a little under weight - not enough to make a difference though).

It would have been one thing if she didn't have any idea of what we've been through. I was just so pissed I couldn't say anything for a minute (because since I'm a girl, I cry when I'm mad - yay.) I told Jason what she said last night. He was just like "what an idiotic thing to say." which made me feel better because he has the tendency to try to get me to see things from "their" side. I think he knows better now though when it comes to pregnancy issues.

belly massages

So my friend Lesley told me about these. Their supposed to aid in getting pregnant and staying pregnant?! I've emailed her friend about it, so I'm just waiting to hear back. Of course, they live in LA and I'm here in the middle of the US, where we don't have quite the resources, but we'll see.
Oh, and Jason got home last night. Maybe we still have a chance to not try to make a baby.

A toddler and her potty

I'm taking a pause on my getting KU with baby #2 talk to blog about baby #1, my precocious Adia and her (lack of) potty training.
We pretty much had potty training down a little over a month ago (which, that alone was a few month process) just in time for her to get very sick (I believe she has IBS just like her mamma) and throw the whole thing off. When she finally got better, we seemed to back at square one - she had NO desire to use the toilet AT ALL. But, this week she finally started showing some interest again, so I figured this weekend would be the best time to go for it. So, that is what I get to do all weekend. Last night was not so good, but so far today we haven't had an accident! It's amazing the things that really excite you as a mom.

I will not try, I will not try, I will...

It's really hard trying to NOT try. What CD I am and the fact that I will probably be Oing between now and then are thoughts I actually have to force myself not to have. What a loon I am. Jason is OOT until Sunday night anyway, so it's definitely helping with "taking a break" because I still don't think they've found a way for long-distance conceiving...

efriends

I have been on a Thebump.com's TTCAL (Trying to Conceive After a Loss) board since my last m/c. It has been great with obsessing about getting KU, but since I am now trying to not obsess, I am making myself take a few steps back from it. I think it was really good for me in the beginning - I definitely handled this miscarriage better than my first (even though in some ways it was harder) because I had some place to vent other than Jason, but it's now become a bit unhealthy for me and I think even helped cause my insane obsession with getting pregnant again. And though I love the girls on it, there was some drama the past couple days that really helped me realize it wasn't as "wonderful" as I lead myself to believe. Isn't it crazy how even on the Internet, girls can still be catty with one another? I have dealt with WAY too much in real life (since I was about 6).

Anyway, Jason has been gone since Monday night and won't be back until late Sunday. And I have been staying with my parents because we only have one car and Jason has it. And I cam going crazy, because believe it or not, I am not 12 anymore and it's going to be okay if I don't spend every waking moment with my family. Sometimes Adia need our own time!!!! Argh!! OK, till next time....

My story.

I feel a slight responsibility in being open about what I'm going through with getting and staying pregnant. There are definitely people who have had more struggles and heart-ache than me, but miscarriage is so much more common than many people realize and I think women need to know that. To know that they aren't alone and they aren't the only one who has been through what they're going through. And most importantly to know it's not their fault. So here's the rundown of me:

I went off of birth control in June of 2005 and got PG right away. Jason and I were excited and surprised as we thought it would take a while. We told pretty much everyone right away and had my first appointment scheduled in about 4 weeks from when I found out. I woke up the morning of July 4th when I was probably just 5 weeks and was planning on going out on the boat with Jason's family. I went to restroom at their house right before we left and I saw blood. I was freaked out, called the dr. and decided not to go on the boat. The next few days were filled with more bleeding, blood work, waiting, more bleeding, more blood work and then I got the awful call at work on Thursday (this all started on a Monday) that my beta numbers were going down, which means I was miscarrying. I was a mess and had my mom pick me up from work. Jason left his work as well and we cried for a while together...

I went through some weird times dealing with it, but it only took 5 months for me to get pregnant again (I used OPK's that cycle). This time it stuck and our precious Adia was born on August 26, 2006. We are continually so thankful for her.

After Adia, I never went on birth control, but nursed until she was 10 months. So, for the first year or so, we weren't "trying" to get pregnant. Around last December or so, we decided to would start "trying" again. But since I didn't chart and really didn't know much of anything about my cycles, it was just a lot of guessing. After a few months, I tried the OPK's again, but with a toddler, it makes things more difficult. And even if we did seem to time everything right, it still didn't happen.

A few months of frustrations went by and we then decided to take a break from actively trying, and of course that was month I got pregnant! We were excited again and thinking that my first miscarriage was a fluke, I wasn't too worried. Around 6.5 weeks I had some spotting so I went in for some blood work and an ultrasound. I was so relieved to have high numbers (over 28000) and see a heartbeat. The tech printed out a picture of our little one for us. That was on a Thursday and next day was Adia's 2nd birthday party, so I was running crazy all over the place. The spotting started to get worse, but I just assumed it was because of the internal ultrasound they did the day before. But Saturday came around and it wasn't getting any better. I laid low on Sunday and once again, was going to go out on the boat (labor day weekend) and right before we left, I lost the baby. Since I was just over 7 weeks, it was a lot different this time. More pain, more blood, tissue and clots. (Sorry if that's too graphic)

After that, I had the multiple miscarriage blood work done and that is where they discovered I have one of the MTHFR mutations, which basically can cause blood clots and doesn't allow your body to absorb folic acid like it needs to, which is essential for a growing baby. I also started charting and discovered that I don't seem to ovulate every month. Yay for me.

So that pretty much brings us up-to-date. I have decided to stop charting and once again, give "trying" a rest for a bit. Of course I'm hoping it will happen again we weren't expecting it, but I'm also learning to trust even more in the Lord and be content with all that He as already given me. One day at a time.

Is this the end? probably not.

Just as I am getting back into writing, I am now seriously considering taking a break from the insanity of getting pregnant. I mean, I wouldn't do anything crazy like go on birth control ;-), but this living it day in and day out needs to stop. And I'm sure Jason will agree.

Scratch that - 44

I guess the horribleness of having a never ending cycle with multiple BFN's wasn't enough. I also had to be teased at the end into thinking that maybe I really was knocked up. Nope, just another thing to add to my crappy cycle - 3 days of light spotting as opposed to my usual one. And can I just say that this little ride I'm on for the next few days is THE WORST it has been in a long time. What a sucky time.

Nice joke

Seriously, 42 days? I had to impatiently wait 42 days just for AF? That is beyond cruel. My hopes were way too high and I knew they would probably get crushed, but what's a PG obsessed girl to do? Jason is sweet and gave me a little hug last night when I told him it looks like we're on to the next cycle, but I know he doesn't really get it. He just said "we'll just try again next month" Really?! Well, what a relief! I now feel great about TTC for over a year, one m/c over 5 months ago, being dx with MTHFR and finding out I don't ovulate every cycle! Just trying again next month isn't going to cut it. So, I'm going all out - green tea, fertility vitamins, pineapple core (first need to figure out what this actually entails), standing on my head and possibly a fertility dance around our fire pit. Any other suggestions are welcome