Please, just don't talk

I love my aunt. She is letting us use her car again this week so Jason can go work OOT. However, tact is not something she has a lot of. She knows we had a m/c back in August and I'm sure she knows we are struggling somewhat in getting KU again, as she is my mom's sister and the only one who lives around here. So, with that background, here is the convo I had with her yesterday in Wal-Mart:

Aunt: You guys want to have another baby?
Me: (thinking, are you effing serious?) Yep
Aunt: You know, gaining wait will help with that. It helped me. (I disregard all advice from people who haven't had experience with this in 25+ years)
Me: (trying not to show how pissed I'm getting) That's not going to help. And anyway, I have gained some weight.
Aunt: Really? You probably haven't gained enough
Me: That's not going to help. (i just kept repeating myself like a robot because I was so annoyed with her, nothing else would enter my brain)

And really, weight doesn't make as big a difference as people think. Yes, if you are very under or over weight, it could possibly help - being healthy is always a good thing. But it's not going to help my situation (even though I have gained a bit because I was a little under weight - not enough to make a difference though).

It would have been one thing if she didn't have any idea of what we've been through. I was just so pissed I couldn't say anything for a minute (because since I'm a girl, I cry when I'm mad - yay.) I told Jason what she said last night. He was just like "what an idiotic thing to say." which made me feel better because he has the tendency to try to get me to see things from "their" side. I think he knows better now though when it comes to pregnancy issues.

belly massages

So my friend Lesley told me about these. Their supposed to aid in getting pregnant and staying pregnant?! I've emailed her friend about it, so I'm just waiting to hear back. Of course, they live in LA and I'm here in the middle of the US, where we don't have quite the resources, but we'll see.
Oh, and Jason got home last night. Maybe we still have a chance to not try to make a baby.

A toddler and her potty

I'm taking a pause on my getting KU with baby #2 talk to blog about baby #1, my precocious Adia and her (lack of) potty training.
We pretty much had potty training down a little over a month ago (which, that alone was a few month process) just in time for her to get very sick (I believe she has IBS just like her mamma) and throw the whole thing off. When she finally got better, we seemed to back at square one - she had NO desire to use the toilet AT ALL. But, this week she finally started showing some interest again, so I figured this weekend would be the best time to go for it. So, that is what I get to do all weekend. Last night was not so good, but so far today we haven't had an accident! It's amazing the things that really excite you as a mom.

I will not try, I will not try, I will...

It's really hard trying to NOT try. What CD I am and the fact that I will probably be Oing between now and then are thoughts I actually have to force myself not to have. What a loon I am. Jason is OOT until Sunday night anyway, so it's definitely helping with "taking a break" because I still don't think they've found a way for long-distance conceiving...

efriends

I have been on a Thebump.com's TTCAL (Trying to Conceive After a Loss) board since my last m/c. It has been great with obsessing about getting KU, but since I am now trying to not obsess, I am making myself take a few steps back from it. I think it was really good for me in the beginning - I definitely handled this miscarriage better than my first (even though in some ways it was harder) because I had some place to vent other than Jason, but it's now become a bit unhealthy for me and I think even helped cause my insane obsession with getting pregnant again. And though I love the girls on it, there was some drama the past couple days that really helped me realize it wasn't as "wonderful" as I lead myself to believe. Isn't it crazy how even on the Internet, girls can still be catty with one another? I have dealt with WAY too much in real life (since I was about 6).

Anyway, Jason has been gone since Monday night and won't be back until late Sunday. And I have been staying with my parents because we only have one car and Jason has it. And I cam going crazy, because believe it or not, I am not 12 anymore and it's going to be okay if I don't spend every waking moment with my family. Sometimes Adia need our own time!!!! Argh!! OK, till next time....

My story.

I feel a slight responsibility in being open about what I'm going through with getting and staying pregnant. There are definitely people who have had more struggles and heart-ache than me, but miscarriage is so much more common than many people realize and I think women need to know that. To know that they aren't alone and they aren't the only one who has been through what they're going through. And most importantly to know it's not their fault. So here's the rundown of me:

I went off of birth control in June of 2005 and got PG right away. Jason and I were excited and surprised as we thought it would take a while. We told pretty much everyone right away and had my first appointment scheduled in about 4 weeks from when I found out. I woke up the morning of July 4th when I was probably just 5 weeks and was planning on going out on the boat with Jason's family. I went to restroom at their house right before we left and I saw blood. I was freaked out, called the dr. and decided not to go on the boat. The next few days were filled with more bleeding, blood work, waiting, more bleeding, more blood work and then I got the awful call at work on Thursday (this all started on a Monday) that my beta numbers were going down, which means I was miscarrying. I was a mess and had my mom pick me up from work. Jason left his work as well and we cried for a while together...

I went through some weird times dealing with it, but it only took 5 months for me to get pregnant again (I used OPK's that cycle). This time it stuck and our precious Adia was born on August 26, 2006. We are continually so thankful for her.

After Adia, I never went on birth control, but nursed until she was 10 months. So, for the first year or so, we weren't "trying" to get pregnant. Around last December or so, we decided to would start "trying" again. But since I didn't chart and really didn't know much of anything about my cycles, it was just a lot of guessing. After a few months, I tried the OPK's again, but with a toddler, it makes things more difficult. And even if we did seem to time everything right, it still didn't happen.

A few months of frustrations went by and we then decided to take a break from actively trying, and of course that was month I got pregnant! We were excited again and thinking that my first miscarriage was a fluke, I wasn't too worried. Around 6.5 weeks I had some spotting so I went in for some blood work and an ultrasound. I was so relieved to have high numbers (over 28000) and see a heartbeat. The tech printed out a picture of our little one for us. That was on a Thursday and next day was Adia's 2nd birthday party, so I was running crazy all over the place. The spotting started to get worse, but I just assumed it was because of the internal ultrasound they did the day before. But Saturday came around and it wasn't getting any better. I laid low on Sunday and once again, was going to go out on the boat (labor day weekend) and right before we left, I lost the baby. Since I was just over 7 weeks, it was a lot different this time. More pain, more blood, tissue and clots. (Sorry if that's too graphic)

After that, I had the multiple miscarriage blood work done and that is where they discovered I have one of the MTHFR mutations, which basically can cause blood clots and doesn't allow your body to absorb folic acid like it needs to, which is essential for a growing baby. I also started charting and discovered that I don't seem to ovulate every month. Yay for me.

So that pretty much brings us up-to-date. I have decided to stop charting and once again, give "trying" a rest for a bit. Of course I'm hoping it will happen again we weren't expecting it, but I'm also learning to trust even more in the Lord and be content with all that He as already given me. One day at a time.

Is this the end? probably not.

Just as I am getting back into writing, I am now seriously considering taking a break from the insanity of getting pregnant. I mean, I wouldn't do anything crazy like go on birth control ;-), but this living it day in and day out needs to stop. And I'm sure Jason will agree.

Scratch that - 44

I guess the horribleness of having a never ending cycle with multiple BFN's wasn't enough. I also had to be teased at the end into thinking that maybe I really was knocked up. Nope, just another thing to add to my crappy cycle - 3 days of light spotting as opposed to my usual one. And can I just say that this little ride I'm on for the next few days is THE WORST it has been in a long time. What a sucky time.

Nice joke

Seriously, 42 days? I had to impatiently wait 42 days just for AF? That is beyond cruel. My hopes were way too high and I knew they would probably get crushed, but what's a PG obsessed girl to do? Jason is sweet and gave me a little hug last night when I told him it looks like we're on to the next cycle, but I know he doesn't really get it. He just said "we'll just try again next month" Really?! Well, what a relief! I now feel great about TTC for over a year, one m/c over 5 months ago, being dx with MTHFR and finding out I don't ovulate every cycle! Just trying again next month isn't going to cut it. So, I'm going all out - green tea, fertility vitamins, pineapple core (first need to figure out what this actually entails), standing on my head and possibly a fertility dance around our fire pit. Any other suggestions are welcome